Forgiveness without limits – the hard Gospel

“…So my heavenly Father will also do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother or sister from your heart.’’ (Matt 18:35)

Matthew 18:21-35 (Year A: Fourteenth Sunday after Trinity 17^th September 2017)

This Sunday’s passage comes in three parts: (1) a pressing question from Peter about how often he should forgive a brother who sins against him (could he possibly be referring to one of the twelve apostles?), (2) a quick and sharp answer from Jesus backed up with parable or story form Jesus to illustrate the point, and (3) a generalised ‘so this is the lesson’ for Peter and everyone else listening (including us, today, on this 14^th Sunday after Trinity on the 17^th September).

It is, perhaps, easy to say ‘I forgive that person’ or ‘I hold no grudges against that person’. It is more difficult to change our feelings and, indeed, our behaviour which is shaped by our will, understanding and feelings.  If you find it ever so slightly awkward to look a particular person in the eye, there is a fair chance that a residue of hurt and resentment lingers somewhere below our surfaces. Forgiveness, therefore, is a work in progress. From the statement ‘I forgive that person’ or, indeed, ‘Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us’ (in the prayer, Our Father) to letting go of hurt and letting the other person go from our negative feelings and perceptions, we need to work on forgiveness. It doesn’t just happen. It takes lots of patience, prayer, time, self-awareness, trust and self-honesty. It is a work of grace and, alone, we cannot reach a place of forgiving when hurt is overwhelming.

But, Peter asked a reasonable question and we may ask the same question. What if I have forgiven someone not once, but twice, three times …. seven times?  After each episode and starting-again, someone keeps saying, doing or failing in the same way each time. It may be galling to consider indefinitely forgiving this person. To be concrete, we might consider a very real situation where someone has lost a loved one or was nearly lost themselves in a bombing or shooting with all the horrendous pains, memories and lost years? What if the one who perpetrated the violence is now sitting across the table and saying ‘that was then and now is now’ or ‘we deeply regret any hurt caused, sure weren’t we all victims of an unjust situation?’. This example may extend to perpetrators of evil and violent acts whether done as part of a paramilitary organisation or by a State organisation acting unjustly and immorally.

It is easy for someone standing in a pulpit or writing a blog to preach forgiveness in big matters as well as not so big matters. We do not feel the pain, the hurt, the trauma, the limbs that will never move again or, even worse still, the empty ‘regrets’ of those who have no remorse for acting in what they rationalised a just war.

Less dramatic examples of sinful and hurtful actions might include, for example, repeated infidelity in a marriage – in spite of many promised restorations. Another example might relate to acts of physical, mental or emotional abuse which persist in spite of repeated attempts to seek help and reform.

We must clearly and decisively differentiate between forgiveness and facilitation of wrong. To refuse to name abuse or to refuse to walk away when all reasonable and time-bound efforts have been made is not forgiveness. It is facilitation of abuse. Rather, we may learn to forgive by letting go and by not surfing the waves of resentment (and letting them wash over as we keep walking to our destination). This is a work in progress never entirely complete or perfect but part of a process of healing as much for ourselves as for anyone else. If we cannot move towards greater forgiveness then the one who has deeply hurt us is still somewhere in our heads and hearts hurting us even if the one is long dead or gone from our lives.

An important aid to being able to forgive (and let go which is the same thing) is to realise that we, too, stand in the dock. At least some times and in some situations, we have failed to live up to the call of love. Perhaps we are blind to certain things but we know in our hearts that somewhere along the line we have fallen short – even well short of what is right. 

St Paul in a letter to the Ephesians writes (4:31-32):

Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, and be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.

Were such an approach to be initiated and really tried today, Sunday, in families across the country what a difference it could make.  Seeds of reconciliation would be sown and people set free from pointless family feuds or bad behaviour. Someone initiating a new approach based on mercy and humility would be met with the same cutting sarcasm and bitterness as ever. However, it is surely true that the practice of consistent, wholesome and whole-hearted compassion will not leave the coldest heart untouched at some point. It may not save a hopeless situation but it will have some impact for the better in the long-run.

Were such an approach to be initiated and really tried singularly or together tomorrow, Monday, in workplaces across the country what a difference it could begin to make. Productivity would rise, happiness would increase, health would improve and people would be freed from the never-ending cycle of gossip, resentment and organisational feuding.

There is more than a touch of irony in the parable of forgiveness citing the example of the servant who owed a huge sum of money to the King. He was merciless in dealing with his own debtors though he had been forgiven a large sum of money. Thousands of mortgage holders and businesses have been harshly treated in the course of the recent great recession in Ireland and many other jurisdictions. Yet, huge sums of money were transferred in part or in full by the banks or the State to the bondholders and creditors who had taken a huge risk and failed but were entirely protected against loss of assets.

Forgiveness has radical implications not only for individuals and small groups but whole societies and economies.