Embracing the hard gospel

  “…So my heavenly Father will also do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother or sister from your heart.’’ (Matt 18:35)

 

(Year A: 24th Sunday in Ordinary Time, 17th September, 2023)

 

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READINGS 

Eccliasticus 27:30-28:7

Psalm 102

Romans 14:1-12

Matthew 18:21-35

 

This Sunday’s Gospel passage comes in three parts: (1) a pressing question from Peter about how often he should forgive a brother who sins against him (could he possibly be referring to one of the twelve apostles?), (2) a quick and sharp answer from Jesus backed up with a story used by Jesus to illustrate the point, and, (3) a generalised ‘so this is the lesson’ for Peter and everyone else listening (including us, today).

Forgiveness cuts both ways: from us towards others and from others towards us.  We have been reminded, already, in Matthew 5:23-26 that our prayer and offerings mean little if anything without first seeking reconciliation with our brother and sister from whom we may have been estranged through hurt, negligence or exclusion. Forgiveness is not cheap. We begin to realise this when we honestly face our own cause of hurt and dissension. Neither is forgiveness merely about what seems small and petty. It is about the really big things that society would prefer not to mention or acknowledge. In Ireland, for example, tens of thousands of people walk about every day carrying deep, deep and very deep wounds. We have heard much about abuse that took place (and still takes place) in domestic or institutional settings. We know that many have been physically and mentally scarred by horrific experiences during the 30-year war in Northern Ireland which never completely came to an end.

How do people forgive when the hurt is so deep as to be beyond description or telling? It is easy to let the words forgiveness, regret and reconciliation roll off our tongues. But, is it ‘from the heart’?

It is, perhaps, easy to say ‘I forgive that person’ or ‘I hold no grudges against that person’. It is more difficult to change our feelings and, indeed, our behaviour which is shaped by our will, understanding and feelings.  If you find it ever so slightly awkward to look a particular person in the eye, there is a fair chance that a residue of hurt and resentment lingers somewhere below our surfaces. Forgiveness, therefore, is a work in progress. From the statement ‘I forgive that person’ or, indeed, ‘Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us’ (in the prayer, Our Father) to letting go of hurt and letting the other person go from our negative feelings and perceptions, we need to work on forgiveness. It doesn’t just happen. It takes lots of patience, prayer, time, self-awareness, trust and self-honesty. It is a work of grace and, alone, we cannot reach a place of forgiving when hurt is overwhelming.

But, Peter asked a reasonable question and we may ask the same question. What if I have forgiven someone not once, but twice, three times …. seven times?  After each episode and starting-again, someone keeps saying, doing or failing in the same way each time. It may be galling to consider indefinitely forgiving this person. To be concrete, we might consider a very real situation where someone has lost a loved one or was nearly lost themselves in a bombing or shooting with all the horrendous pains, memories and lost years? What if the one who perpetrated the violence is now sitting across the table and saying ‘that was then and now is now’ or ‘we deeply regret any hurt caused, sure weren’t we all victims of an unjust situation?’. This example may extend to perpetrators of evil and violent acts whether done as part of a paramilitary organisation or by a State organisation acting unjustly and immorally.

It is easy for someone standing in a pulpit or writing a blog to preach forgiveness in big matters as well as not so big matters. We do not feel the pain, the hurt, the trauma, the limbs that will never move again or, even worse still, the empty ‘regrets’ of those who have no remorse for acting in what they rationalised as a just war.

We must clearly and decisively differentiate between forgiveness and facilitation of wrong. To refuse to name abuse or to refuse to walk away when all reasonable and time-bound efforts have been made is not forgiveness. It is facilitation of abuse. Rather, we may learn to forgive by letting go and by not surfing the waves of resentment (and letting them wash over as we keep walking to our destination). This is a work in progress never entirely complete or perfect but part of a process of healing as much for ourselves as for anyone else. If we cannot move towards greater forgiveness then the one who has deeply hurt us is still somewhere in our heads and hearts hurting us even if the one is long dead or gone from our lives.

An important aid to being able to forgive (and let go which is the same thing) is to realise that we, too, stand in the dock as St Paul reminds us in today’s reading (Romans 14:10). At least sometimes and in some situations, we have failed to live up to the call of love. Perhaps we are blind to certain things but we know in our hearts that somewhere along the line we have fallen short – even well short of what is right. 

St Paul in a letter to the Ephesians writes (4:31-32):

Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, and be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.

Were such an approach to be initiated and really tried today, Sunday, in families across the country what a difference it could make.  Seeds of reconciliation would be sown and people set free from pointless family feuds or bad behaviour. Someone initiating a new approach based on mercy and humility would be met with the same cutting sarcasm and bitterness as ever. However, it is surely true that the practice of consistent, wholesome and whole-hearted compassion will not leave the coldest heart untouched at some point. It may not save a hopeless situation but it will have some impact for the better in the long-run.

Were such an approach to be initiated and really tried singularly or together tomorrow, Monday, in workplaces across the country what a difference it could begin to make. Productivity would rise, happiness would increase, health would improve and people would be freed from the never-ending cycle of gossip, resentment and organisational feuding.

Forgiveness has radical implications not only for individuals and small groups but whole societies and economies.