“…So my heavenly Father will also do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother or sister from your heart.’’ (Matt 18:35)
(Year A: The Fourteenth Sunday after Trinity, 13th
September, 2020)
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READINGS (COI & paired as between the Gospel and the Old
Testament readings)
This Sunday’s Gospel passage comes in three parts: (1) a
pressing question from Peter about how often he should forgive a brother who
sins against him (could he possibly be referring to one of the twelve
apostles?), (2) a quick and sharp answer from Jesus backed up with a story used by Jesus to illustrate the point, and, (3) a generalised ‘so this is
the lesson’ for Peter and everyone else listening (including us, today).
Forgiveness cuts both ways: from us towards others and from
others towards us. We have been
reminded, already, in Matthew
5:23-26 that our prayer and offerings mean little if anything without first
seeking reconciliation with our brother and sister from whom we may have been
estranged through hurt, negligence or exclusion. Forgiveness is not cheap. We
begin to realise this when we honestly face our own cause of hurt and
dissension. Neither is forgiveness merely about what seems small and petty. It
is about the really big things that society would prefer not to mention or
acknowledge. In Ireland, for example, tens of thousands of people walk about
every day carrying deep, deep and very deep wounds. We have heard much about
abuse that took place (and still takes place) in domestic or institutional
settings. We know that many have been physically and mentally scarred by
horrific experiences during the 30-year war in Northern Ireland which never
completely came to an end.
How can a person whose loved one was maimed or obliterated
forgive especially when the memory is as vivid as it was 30 or 50 years ago? I
was in Derry city last year and a man showed me the place where his brother was
shot dead by soldiers in 1972.
Restorative justice has never been fully realised for those robbed of
dignity and of loved ones. The deceased was about my age at the time. It is
still as raw today as it was on that cold and icy Sunday in January 1972 as the
fire crackled in our own living room while the news came through from the
North. For a time I lived in a parish in
Belfast where a few years previously a father, a mother and a sister lost their
loved daughter/sister while going in the peace of the Lord after mass in 1984.
This was and is still justified by warped minds as an act of war.
How do people forgive when the hurt is so deep as to be
beyond description or telling? It is easy to let the words forgiveness, regret
and reconciliation roll off our tongues. But, is it ‘from the heart’?
It is, perhaps, easy to say ‘I forgive that person’ or ‘I
hold no grudges against that person’. It is more difficult to change our
feelings and, indeed, our behaviour which is shaped by our will, understanding
and feelings. If you find it ever so
slightly awkward to look a particular person in the eye, there is a fair chance
that a residue of hurt and resentment lingers somewhere below our surfaces.
Forgiveness, therefore, is a work in progress. From the statement ‘I forgive
that person’ or, indeed, ‘Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin
against us’ (in the prayer, Our Father)
to letting go of hurt and letting the other person go from our negative
feelings and perceptions, we need to work on forgiveness. It doesn’t just
happen. It takes lots of patience, prayer, time, self-awareness, trust and
self-honesty. It is a work of grace and, alone, we cannot reach a place of
forgiving when hurt is overwhelming.
But, Peter asked a reasonable question and we may ask the
same question. What if I have forgiven someone not once, but twice, three times
…. seven times? After each episode and
starting-again, someone keeps saying, doing or failing in the same way each
time. It may be galling to consider indefinitely forgiving this person. To be
concrete, we might consider a very real situation where someone has lost a
loved one or was nearly lost themselves in a bombing or shooting with all the
horrendous pains, memories and lost years? What if the one who perpetrated the
violence is now sitting across the table and saying ‘that was then and now is
now’ or ‘we deeply regret any hurt caused, sure weren’t we all victims of an
unjust situation?’. This example may extend to perpetrators of evil and violent
acts whether done as part of a paramilitary organisation or by a State
organisation acting unjustly and immorally.
It is easy for someone standing in a pulpit or writing a
blog to preach forgiveness in big matters as well as not so big matters. We do
not feel
the pain, the hurt, the trauma, the limbs that will never move again or, even
worse still, the empty ‘regrets’ of those who have no remorse for acting in
what they rationalised as a just war.
Less dramatic examples of sinful and hurtful actions might
include, for example, repeated infidelity in a marriage – in spite of many
promised restorations. Another example might relate to acts of physical, mental
or emotional abuse which persist in spite of repeated attempts to seek help and
reform.
We must clearly and decisively differentiate between
forgiveness and facilitation of wrong. To refuse to name abuse or to refuse to
walk away when all reasonable and time-bound efforts have been made is not
forgiveness. It is facilitation of abuse. Rather, we may learn to forgive by
letting go and by not surfing the waves of resentment (and letting them wash
over as we keep walking to our destination). This is a work in progress never
entirely complete or perfect but part of a process of healing as much for
ourselves as for anyone else. If we cannot move towards greater forgiveness
then the one who has deeply hurt us is still somewhere in our heads and hearts
hurting us even if the one is long dead or gone from our lives.
An important aid to being able to forgive (and let go which
is the same thing) is to realise that we, too, stand in the dock as St Paul
reminds us in today’s reading (Romans
14:10). At least sometimes and in some situations, we have failed to live
up to the call of love. Perhaps we are blind to certain things but we know in
our hearts that somewhere along the line we have fallen short – even well short
of what is right.
St Paul in a letter to the Ephesians writes (4:31-32):
Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, and be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.
Were such an approach to be initiated and really tried
today, Sunday, in families across the country what a difference it could
make. Seeds of reconciliation would be
sown and people set free from pointless family feuds or bad behaviour. Someone
initiating a new approach based on mercy and humility would be met with the
same cutting sarcasm and bitterness as ever. However, it is surely true that
the practice of consistent, wholesome and whole-hearted compassion will not
leave the coldest heart untouched at some point. It may not save a hopeless
situation but it will have some impact for the better in the long-run.
Were such an approach to be initiated and really tried
singularly or together tomorrow, Monday, in workplaces across the country what
a difference it could begin to make. Productivity would rise, happiness would
increase, health would improve and people would be freed from the never-ending
cycle of gossip, resentment and organisational feuding.
There is more than a touch of irony in the parable of
forgiveness citing the example of the servant who owed a huge sum of money to
the King. He was merciless in dealing with his own debtors though he had been
forgiven a large sum of money. Thousands of mortgage holders and businesses were
harshly treated in the course of the recent great recession in Ireland and many
other jurisdictions. Yet, huge sums of money were transferred in part or in
full by the banks or the State to the bondholders and creditors who took huge
riskes and failed but were entirely protected against loss of assets.
Forgiveness has radical implications not only for
individuals and small groups but whole societies and economies.
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